Blue Suede Shoes

But it doesn’t make me feel anything. So I guess I’ll watch a movie and try to extract some emotion from there. Why is happy so hard sometimes?

When we meet as friends, 

and have to hide,

as lovers who didn’t

work- but our flames

still alive. Silenced

by time, space, and

what they say is “right”. 

“It’s a shame, they 

were so young, they

never had a chance

to survive, to thrive”. 

And now must live a lie. 

“It wasn’t real love,

they were too young -

had their heads in the sky.”

“You won’t die, 

you’ll be fine -

you’re so young and alive!”

But how can I thrive, 

or even survive, when I

let the best part of me

die in a lie. 

When we meet as friends

and have to hide

as lovers who didn’t make it. 

A love killed by time. 

When I first started telling people I was leaving you, 

I was really asking for advice - I had no intention. 

But then so many people encouraged, “good for you”.

I figured there’s something actually wrong with you. 

Maybe he isn’t so handsome? He isn’t so rare?

Maybe he did make me lax, make me not care. 

I better get rid of him, quick before it’s too late!

So I did. And it’s done. Crowd thought- I think

you’ve won. Changed my opinion, forced a harsh

judgement on someone I loved. Someone ideal.

But things have been okay since. 

I’ve been drinking, and thinking, and eating a lot. 

Lots of broccoli. 

Either way, I’m doing fine without you. 

One day I decided to shave the beard that had grown since I moved here. Decided - “it’s time for some change”. So, out came the scissors and a fresh razor blade. At first it seemed a daunting task, but in I jumped - trimming, watching, meditating into a focused gaze, paying attention less to the shedding layers and more somewhere between avoiding cutting myself and vague existentialism. At the peak of my mental detachment, my eye trailed upon the now naked jaw I had just sheered. It looked like my jaw - it was my jaw, but not how I last remembered it. My beard had hidden my jaw for so long that is had changed underneath since I last saw it. Somewhere between then and now, but gradually behind my back my chin had grown - not bigger, but developed. I guess 8 months is a long time. I moved. I got fired. Got hired- quit. Found a dog, got rear ended. Finally read Walden. Masturbated a hundred times, and managed to withhold some of my dignity through it all. My chin developed coincide the rest of me, I just wasn’t there to see it until now. Looking at it compared to the rest of my body it fits, and within it holds the idea and shape of its predecessor. Looking not necessarily better or wiser - but changed. And although it holds the image of its former state within it, it will never look as it did before again. And in a year, after I do all right on cash and my uncle dies - again my chin will morph. I already see it sprouting.